Today I turn 19

Last night I went to dinner with my family to celebrate my birthday, but it was much more then just me getting older, it was getting back in touch with talking to someone. I dream just like anyone else does, but only when my conscious feels like I need to reply the events in a manor I can understand. Its weird, but its helpful. I cannot recall my dream last night too well but it was the perfect way to have a party to me. I felt happy, and I haven't felt like that in a long time.

Trying to chope with failure.

No, I'm not depressed, but times ticking and all my goals and objectives are falling short. The hardest part right now is trying to deal with my list of things to-do. I'm very lazy and when it comes to being responsible, I'm missing the target. Tomorrow is Friday, which means what to me? Nothing. I run in this cycle and its killing me softly, but I can get out of it, I can really.

I went to Seattle, WA where I had dinner with my Grandma and my Aunt, as well as meet some of my gaming buddies. My sister finished school and I'm not going to be able to graduate. That's going to be the hardest part telling my Dad. I've still have yet to finish my last semester of my senior year. I FAILED! I'm a social reject, but my choices I made in the past are really hitting me harder then I anticipated.

I'm starting to hit rock bottom but I can lie so easily through my teeth it’s been getting me by, but sooner or later, I will have to face my problems. If there's something you should know, it’s that problems from the past will never be buried. Yes they might not interfere with anything, but you live with guilt knowing of your deed. Use best judgment, and don't procrastinate.

Lies are just temporary fixes that add to the problem

I lie. Alot. I don't know what I say is true anymore. Scary that I run on a "do now, ask questions later" system, which will soon come to bite me in the ass by the end of the week. I won't go into the details because, well, you as a reader are on a need to know bases. Aside from confronting my lies, I have some other downers to frown upon.

I asked one of my past friends I knew since 8th grade to go out for dinner. Well her parents are strict and forth coming, so today, I have nothing to look forward to (aside from my daily doctor’s appointment.) I knew this was going to happen, but at least tomorrow is Friday. Nothing can go wrong, until Saturday. I have yet to contact a specialist that can fix my head full of non-sense and un-organization.

Its time I fire my psychologist. We talk about nothing special, but today is the day we make or break the relationship I've had with him for the last few years. If I don't feel like I've been satisfied with his help, then I will have to politely cancel any further sessions. I have to blame myself because I've been lying to him and others about what I've been doing with my time. How can someone help you if they don't know the full truth?

So what do lies do for us? Make life seem ok when it’s really not.

What a rough life.

Like 18 years of living isn't enough, people say that I need to live for the now and not then. I have planned out nothing, but by doing so I'm not using most of my time. I feel like if my life was posted on a time line, you would see blackness because I have nothing to show for myself. I pay bills, I drive my car, I eat, and I more then sleep soundly then most people do at night, because my clock never needs to be set to. The heat that builds up in my room wakes me up just fine. I found that by staying up all night and trying to get things done in the morning is wasting critical time of sleeping.

On a lighter note I went to the MOCA in Downtown Los Angles. I wasn't there to see WACK: Art and the Feminist Revolution, but ANDREA ZITTEL: Critical Space. It was beautiful, she lives life in the in the desert showing that space is being wated. We are wasting space by building huge houses with rooms that aren't used. Andrea created ways to live the simple yet comfortable life. you should go visit it, it really can open your eyes on space that you take for granted. One thing that she presented to the audience was a list of things she learned and was certain of. "You don't own things, they own you." Nothing could be father away from the truth.

I can't wait to "?"

That's right, I cannot wait to do "?". I leave it as a question mark because I don't know what I'm waiting for. I other words, I have goals, dreams, ideas, and I just want them to fall into place without any work done on my own. That's not how the world works of course, however we do find that sometimes under crucial circumstances things are best left alone. Tax's aren't one of them, and while I type this I'm paying bills, doing my tax's, and trying to figure out how my day may settle in. I'm running on reserve energy and I know that its just going to be another Saturday were I sleep in and don't get around to the things I really need to get done.

I'm currently in the mood of "repeat" where I play a song continuously because I want my mood to stay neutral and background music helps complete this. I feel like a robot the needs to break off the assembly line of boredom and fucking live it like no one saw it coming. Instead I just find time in my day to write a blog at 5 am. Sleep isn't cool, nor would I choose to have it if I lived in a perfect world.

I'm off to the blue bin to dump paper in and watch it go the places I requested.

I bought a MacBook

I did, it’s black, sleek, and the edges are so sharp they hurt my hands if I don't rest them right. I really didn't need to buy a MacBook, because I don't do any traveling. The truth is, I can drive down to the airport, buy a round trip ticket to anywhere, and not be missed or miss anything. That's just stupid one may tell me wasting money on a trip to no where with no plans and no where to go. Yeah maybe, but it’s my money, not yours, and going somewhere no one knows me is where I want to be. Just me and my 1400 dollar MacBook.

Who says money doesn't make you happy? They were right whoever they were.

100 Postcards

It seems that with every new day comes new ways to communicate with others. E-mails, phone calls, everything has to be in the now and not then. We still mail letters and postcards, but not as often as we use to. I recently made a purchase of 100 postcards, without 100 addresses to send them to. Why would I do such a thing? I would like to send these postcards to anyone and everyone, because to have something in the mail that was created for you has more attention towards it then text on a screen.

I may not be the wisest, smartest, wittiest or good looking person in the world, but I have a pen, paper, and a stamp, and that’s all I need. I have compromised an art project that I would like for you, the reader to participate in. All around I have stumbled a crossed questions that don't have answers. I want to show that questions alike do have answers and if you take the time to ponder your imagination, you’ll find them. I will write one unique, original question on one of the postcards I send out. In return, I would like you to answer it however you may like and send it back to me. It's that simple.

If you are interested in joining me to complete this, or just have questions to ask me, e-mail me at BosworthMark@gmail.com